S. Nerfherder Presents: The Top 10 Worst Movies of 2013

By Andrew Braid

Hello everyone, and happy new year! As a whole, 2013 was a very good year for movies, with an embarrassment of riches to consider for my Top 10 Best list this year. But that doesn't mean there wasn't a fair share of bombs and steaming loads this year, either. That's where the Top 10 Worst list comes in. Mind you, I have seen far from everything this year, so it's namely about what stood out as the worst of the worst that these eyes laid witness to. Be prepared, a few of these entries can get a bit rant-y (but you'd kind of expect that from a worst-of list, wouldn't you?).
But first, a quick rundown before we begin...

Other likely worst-of contenders for 2013, if I had actually watched them (aka the "do you even need to actually see it to know it's crap?" category), in no particular order:  

Grown-Ups 2  
The Smurfs 2 
Movie 43 
Scary Movie 5 
Paranoia 
A Haunted House
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor 
Planes 
Tyler Perry's A Madea Christmas 
47 Ronin 
Grudge Match 
Runner Runner
The Big Wedding 
Battle of the Year


And now, on with the main list, my picks for the Top 10 Worst Movies of 2013:

#10: World War Z

Truth be told, World War Z isn't really even particularly bad. Hell, it's even sporadically watchable, with some decent moments sprinkled through it. But man do all those oft-publicized reshoots they did really show in the final product. The film is patchy and wildly inconsistent, jumping from setpiece to setpiece with flimsy excuses I honestly can't even be bothered to remember, leading into a third act that abandons its global-scale disaster movie setup entirely for the exact same kind of tired zombie movie cliches that we've all seen many times before. Mostly though World War Z is just bland and forgettable, which considering the huge amounts of potential (either from the book it adapts basically nothing from or the movie's chosen concept of global zombie disaster movie) makes it reek of disappointment for what could have been. World War Z's box office success may have been one of the year's biggest surprises, but it's banal quality was right around what I expected from the first trailer I saw.

#9: The Hangover Part III

There is a moment in The Hangover Part III, the purported conclusion (I dearly hope) to the comedy franchise that really shouldn't have been a franchise to begin with, that most accurately reflects my feelings as I sat in the theater. Having gone to Tijuana and tracking down psychotic gangster Leslie Chow (Ken Jeong, with even more screentime than ever to gradually drive a viewer up the walls with his aggressively irritating schtick), the Wolfpack must get on Chow's good side before they can enact their plan to bring him in to the rival gangster who's kidnapped their friend Doug (keeping poor Justin Bartha out of the action yet again). We cut to a bar, where Chow is singing karaoke, much of it off-key, but not in any particularly amusing way- it just feels bizarre and awkward, like it's supposed to be some kind of honest or "real" moment for a character who is otherwise an obnoxious and vulgar id of chaos. Here is when Bradly Cooper's Phil asks the immortal question regarding The Hangover Part III: "What the f*** am I watching?"
Here is a comedy sequel that seems almost completely disinterested in being a comedy, instead opting to take a stab at being a dark action-thriller mixed with a big character arc for Zach Galifianakis' increasingly disturbed manchild Alan. Many scenes with violent gangsters are played largely straight, and it's hard to laugh with or at Alan much this time because everything surrounding him is constantly tinged with some kind of bitter sadness. It all feels so far removed from where the series started, and that's despite the film's continuous efforts to "bring it all back to the beginning". What few genuine stabs at big comedy pieces we do get are only sporadically funny at best, and near-insufferable at worst. The movie ends up being in such discord with the movie it's supposed to be that it ultimately can't really please anyone, destined to alienate any fans of the original (or hell, even Part II). And yet it's probably still better than the second Hangover film: whereas Part II is a lazy rehash that's bad in fairly obvious ways, Part III is bad for much more fascinating reasons, ones that still keep me occasionally thinking about how the hell this got made.
And hey, that still ought to be worth something, right? Enough to keep it ranking lower here, at least.

#8: Gangster Squad

Gangster Squad is the definition of forgettable studio fare: it's cookie-cutter assembled from standard fare pieces of other, better movies in its genre, it casts a bunch of big-name stars who mostly just coast by (or in Sean Penn's case, tries to recreate his long-lost villain audition for Dick Tracy), and its characters are about as one-dimensional and stock as they come (including "gruff police chief", an "old, quick-draw gunslinger" accidentally pulled from a cliche western, "tech guy", "token black guy", "token Latino guy", "token hot chick", "token pregnant wife", and "Ryan Gosling"). The slick, slow-mo heavy direction of Ruben Fleischer (who may have just gotten lucky with Zombieland) is more distracting and detrimental than anything else, and the film never seems to decide whether it wants to be just a fun, Hollywood action movie or a more serious crime picture. The result is a muddled, unmemorable movie that's not fun enough to be entertaining, but too dumb and glossy to be taken seriously.

#7: After Earth

Yes, truly "the best movie quotes". Here's another piece of genius Shyamalan writing: "My suit has turned black. I like it, but I think it's very bad."

(Yes, both of those were actual lines from this movie.)
After Earth was co-written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan. That's really all you need to know as to why it turned out to be a piece of crap.
Is it The Last Airbender levels of catastrophic bad? Well no, but then again few things are. But it's also not The Happening bad, where it could still be enjoyed as an unintentional comedy, like a Birdemic with a Hollywood budget and stars. This is more like Lady in the Water bad, a glaringly obvious ego-driven bomb blinded from seeing its own confusing lack of logic, dull storytelling, and truly terrible dialogue. Though whereas Lady in the Water was all Shyamalan's to blame (and his lifeless writing and direction doesn't help matters here either), After Earth is really Will Smith's folly- he gets sole credit for the story here (and think about it: with his star power he could have gotten nearly any director or writer he wanted, and yet we have Shyamalan...). Smith is so utterly devoid of his usual charisma and natural likability that you become convinced that you're watching Smith-tron, his robot double, and his insistence on putting the whole movie on his teen son Jaden's shoulders is After Earth's undoing. Will Smith has proven he can carry a movie on his own. Jaden Smith, while fine in his previous movies, just can't (or rather, he just isn't ready yet). Then again, the Smith-tron idea is emblematic of the whole movie, creating some bizarre hybrid of disaster. It's an ego-driven passion project that probably had real effort (misguided as it was) put into it, combined with robotic, almost assembly-line execution.
It's a bad sign when I feel like I'm going easy on this movie (you'll find out why later), and it's STILL one of the year's worst.

#6: Turbo

A snail passing a turd: a more apt metaphor for this movie's quality you will not find.

I swear, how the hell this movie managed a 67% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes will ever continue to baffle me. I mean, I saw this for free (coupon offer), going in with hardly any expectations, and I still felt ripped off. I ended up buying a ticket for Despicable Me 2 immediately afterwards, namely to cleanse this lazily assembled, painfully unfunny poor-man's rehash from my mind (DM2 was a good, solid sequel, BTW, pretty much on par with the first one).
The movie's story and plot is a shameless Frankenstein's monster assembled from equal parts sports movie cliches and mishmash of Pixar movie knockoffs. From scene to scene, plot beat to plot beat, Turbo is completely predictable, without a single inspired or original element to be seen. The underdog snail has an impossible dream! Everyone tells him he's crazy, particularly his disapproving brother! He finds the power to accomplish his dream (through some bullshit)! He meets a wacky crew of friends! He befriends a guy working at a taco shop who dreams of more! (and he also has a disapproving brother!) He gets his shot to prove himself! He becomes a sensation, and the people give him the support to challenge the cocky (and not-so-secretly a jerk) champion! And on and on, man it's so stock. Every single conversation between Turbo and his brother Chet (a wasted Paul Giamatti) can be summed up like this:

Turbo: "I have to race, and live my dream!"
Chet: "You can't race in the Indy 500, Turbo! You're just a garden snail!"
Turbo: "But... but dreams!"

Imagine that, rinsed and repeated about every 5 minutes or so.
Oh, and guess what unbelievably obvious, overused-to-death 80s sports movie song they play during the climactic race. Come on, guess.

Yep, that one. It's played completely straight, too.
To add further insult to audiences of all ages, DreamWorks got even lazier with this movie by saying: "Hey, we can't get away with doing a shameless cash-in on whatever Pixar is doing anymore, so let's rip off all of them in one movie!" The snail wants to race in the Indy 500 (Cars). We start out with the snails in a monotonous working class garden community where our lead snail Turbo doesn't fit in, and is later outcast from (much like Flik in A Bug's Life). They're threatened by a mean neighborhood kid who tortures and abuses snails, only to later get his comeuppance and learn to fear them (like Sid from Toy Story). Turbo and his taco shop friend go on a road trip, while agreeing to help out the struggling local community of oddball small business owners by the highway route (Cars again). Most egregious to me personally however is how they rip off the human/animal friendship from Ratatouille in a blatantly calculated stab at convincing audiences the movie has heart.
But you know what? It wouldn't really have mattered just how derivative the movie was if it was actually funny, but even that can't be managed. Every joke is just too predictable, and the movie doesn't have the comic timing necessary to compensate. Watching a kids movie (this is a movie that typecasts itself as a "kids movie" through and through) that tries to be "hip" and "cool" is often embarrassing and groan-worthy enough as it is, but Turbo's attempts are particularly feeble and ill-conceived. As part of the "underdog becomes big news after he shows off what he can do" scene, there is a dubstep viral video that makes waves across the country. I assure you, it is every bit as painful for one's ears to listen to as you would expect.
Hell, even the animation itself is subpar for a DreamWorks movie, with mediocre detailing on human characters and a lack of imaginative visual concepts. The only good think I can think of to say about Turbo is I got to see the How to Train Your Dragon 2 teaser in front of it (and in 3D!). Even that can only get me to cut you so much slack, DreamWorks. I mean come on, guys, you're better than this! Way, way better than this! Hell, just earlier in the year you released The Croods, a great family comedy with a real sense of creativity, humor and wonder (the animation is also WAY better, even though it has the same budget as Turbo). And may I point again to just how f***ing fantastic Dragon 2 looks so far? In short, this shit has no excuse anymore. I can give the Madagascar series a pass (it has its moments, and each sequel's been an improvement so far). I even though Shrek Forever After was kinda good (way better than I was expecting from the awful-looking trailers). But this? Shark Tale may still be the worst in terms of DreamWorks animated movies, but Turbo sure as hell ain't far behind.
The only other nice thing I can think to say about it? Well, it's only Ryan Reynolds' second-worst movie this year...

#5: R.I.P.D.

Hope you don't get tired of the "Jeff Bridges' disguise is a hot blonde" gag, because the movie brings that horse out for a beating regularly...

There was potential for a movie here with R.I.PD. Not a particularly great movie or anything (it would still be pretty derivative of Men In Black), but the possibility of this comic book action movie being a fun little timekiller was certainly there. The cast is there (Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges and Mary-Louise Parker, with Kevin Bacon as the villain), and the concept has potential for some decent popcorn fun. It has some kooky and weird ideas that, if they were set up and executed better than they are here, might have actually worked.
That's the one idea that kept constantly popping into my head as I watched R.I.P.D.: "this could have worked". Reynolds and Bridges' screen chemistry could have kept the movie going, the action could have been fun or creative, the characters could have been likable or even memorable (I mean come on, we have wild west Jeff Bridges with MIB guns!). Instead what we get is a shoddily-constructed waste of everyone's time that justifies every "Dead On Arrival" joke that's come its way. Just about everything that could have been fun or even good in this movie falls flat, from its rushed pacing and choppy editing (screaming of studio interference) to its near-complete lack of laughs (this film's idea of handling a running joke is to repeat it whenever it can, with no real comic escalation or variation with each recycle). The plot is barely even legible, and is so weak anyhow that there's really no need to bother paying attention. The CGI animation is probably the worst I've seen in a major blockbuster this year, with the "deados" having animation equivalent to a PS2 game (kind of baffling that a studio decided to spend $130 million on this). You can tell the actors are trying their best to make this movie work, but it proves to be the equivalent of trying to give CPR to a beached shark- it's too late, and you'll probably just hurt yourself if you keep trying.
...Yeah, I kind of suck at metaphors. Long story short, R.I.P.D. falls flat on pretty much every possible level.

#4: The Lone Ranger

Depp and Hammer's reactions to the critics: "Lalalala not listening, didn't happen, lalala!"

To Gore Verbinski (director of Pirates of the Caribbean 1-3, The Ring and the superb Rango): what the hell were you thinking?!
Believe what you've already heard, folks: The Lone Ranger is every bit the train-wreck disaster many had pegged it as since the first trailer came out, if not longer. At a bloated 2 1/2 hours there's approximately 2 major setpiece action scenes, one early on and then the big climax, coming after close to 2 hours of the movie spinning its wheels, filled with scene after scene of the Lone Ranger and Tonto bickering, the Ranger making a fool of himself, and recycled formula parts from Pirates. There's even a truly bizarre and ultimately pointless framing device set at a carnival in the 1930s where a young boy hears the story from an old man Tonto at a museum exhibit. At first it seems that the film plans to do something clever, like a tongue-in-cheek, meta-commentary approach in the vein of The Princess Bride, but all it amounts to is a whole 20 minutes or so that could have been cut from the film completely, and constantly disrupts any momentum when it pops back up.
But that's nothing compared to the film's wildly schizophrenic tone, constantly jumping from goofy and would-be irreverent humor (The Lone Ranger gets dragged through s***! Magic teleporting horse! Helena Bonham Carter's prostitute gun leg!) to dark and gruesome (The villain cuts out and eats a guy's heart... A whole Comanche tribe is massacred onscreen... buy hey, Helena Bonham Carter's prostitute gun leg!) This is a film that directly intercuts between the dark, heavy and dramatic gunning down of a Native American tribe with a wacky escape sequence. In case you need this spelled out, those are not things that can or ever should be mashed together. If the film had been simply one or the other, then the potential would be there for something good. But as it is it's a film that has no grasp on its own identity, and that is its ultimate undoing. Well, that and the weak humor, the misguided portrayal of Tonto, the serious lack of action, the bloated length, the weird sense of self-hate for its own source material...
To run home what a disaster The Lone Ranger is, it's big final action climax is, if taken on its own completely separate from the rest of the movie, a really good sequence. I'm not kidding- it's well shot and makes great use of the iconic William Tell Overture from the old TV show. It's exciting, fast-paced, fun and lighthearted. It's like the film finally, finally figured out what kind of movie it wants to be (and should have been). But most of this is completely negated when you see it in context- it's still not worth the truly awful, messy and dull 2 hours it took to get here, and the villains have already won and achieved exactly what they wanted, so our heroes' big plan feels like it's completely for naught. And once it's over we still suffer from all the faults we dealt with before, which leaves this genuinely well-done sequence adrift in the smoking wreckage like everything else this new definition of "Hollywood disaster" touches.

#3: Pain and Gain

I went to the theater and saw this. If you asked me why I honestly couldn't come up with a good reason. I guess I was curious to see what Michael Bay would do with a smaller-scale movie. What I learned that day, however, will prove an invaluable life lesson: the only thing arguably worse than Michael Bay making a dumb, crappy action movie is Michael Bay making a dumb, crappy movie that thinks it's smart.
Pain and Gain is just unpleasant, through and through, to the point where I honestly feel unclean the more I stop to think about it. It's one of those cases where the director's style, personal ambitions and intent simply don't prove a good fit with the materiel. The film is based on a true story (as it keeps "reminding" us, by which I mean "power-drilling into our brains"), constantly calling attention to how all these crazy and messed-up events in our story of would-be criminals are indeed factual. But the intended impact of this, along with its "smart" (read: thuddingly obvious) commentary on ideas of America's delusions of exceptionalism, "perfection" and entitlement is undone by Bay's style and approach being the same as it's always been, with many of the same problems. Bay is incapable of making a film that doesn't exist in some kind of cartoon funhouse mirror version of reality, filled with lowest-common-denominator dirty humor and stereotypes. None of these people feel like people at all, including Ed Harris' honest detective, the supposed sliver of humanity present in this story who really feels just as much a part of this Michael Bay universe as anyone else. These vapid, stupid and dangerously deluded caricatures comprise the whole movie, with no source of relief throughout its 2+ hours (bloated and overlong, but it's Michael Bay, so you must have expected that). Ideally the film would be centered through the mind of Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg), like some kind of moronic Travis Bickle (even though Observe and Report already did that idea, and did it far, far better). But the film keeps constantly jumping into the voiceovers and points of view of seemingly every character it comes across with little rhyme or reason, robbing the film of any sense of focus or consistent tone.
The resulting film is what would happen if Michael Bay directed Fargo, by way of TMZ (just imagine how bad that sounds, and you've got Pain and Gain in a nutshell). Each film is about a trio of would-be crooks who make increasingly bad and ill-conceived decisions, with everything going horribly awry in a violent mess. But the reason why Fargo works is that its characters are still portrayed like human beings: they feel like real people, no matter who they are or what unbelievably dumb shit they might do. That we can see them as human makes what happens alternately more comedic and more shocking. Moreover we have the presence of Frances McDormand's police chief to lend the film a sense of warmth and humanity, to provide relief and offset the darkness and violence of the world, to give us that sense of hope we need to make it through. This could have been Ed Harris' role in the film (and certainly looks like it was meant to be), but he mostly just serves as a plot point and little else. The end scene with Harris going home, trying to comprehend what the hell happened feels tacked on and half-assed rather than pivotal, like they wanted to have that shred of humanity but didn't want to put in the effort necessary for it.
Because that's perhaps the most critical failing of Pain and Gain: it lacks any sense of hope for humanity, instead choosing to not only revel in the vapid darkness of the world but further perpetuate it by going down to its level, if not lower. The film's ends with a montage showing photographs of the real-life criminals the film was based around, and (I kid you not) proceeds to mock and laugh at their death sentences, as well as the consequences and misery their actions have inflicted on others. It's emblematic of the film's ugly, mean-spirited nature that encourages the viewer to revel in its cheap shots and caricatures, and by doing so support the very kind of warped reality that created such minds as Daniel Lugo's. It tells us to laugh and mock to keep these kinds of f***ups beneath us, when really it just drags us down closer to their level. Perhaps it's just me, but I think this explains why I found much of this movie deeply uncomfortable.
(You know, I feel like I could still clarify some more about my thoughts on this movie, but I think I'll spare you for now and write a piece on it at a later date).
After this I can safely say that of everything he's shat to screen so far, Michael Bay's worst film yet... is still Transformers 2. But I honestly wouldn't put Pain and Gain that far behind. I won't deny that  potential was there, but I will be a much better, happier man if I never see it again.

#2: The Host

This one surprised me.
I know, it really shouldn't have- it's based on a Stephanie Meyer book, for crying out loud. But when I decided to watch a few extra duds to fill out my list, I kind of picked The Host without giving it much thought. I figured After Earth would be the worst one, so I decided to watch it after this. Plus the Twilight movies, while pretty awful, were in most cases at least somewhat entertaining in their levels of craptitude (hey, that's our new word of the day, kids!). There was so much wrong, so much inane dumbness littered through Twilight that I figured The Host might at least provide that much.
Oh how wrong I was. How very, very wrong...
The Host is boring. It is painfully, achingly, please-oh-good-god-make-it-stop, so-this-is-how-I-die, tell-my-family-I-love-them-*bang* boring. The old comparison of "watching paint dry" does not do it justice- at least the wall would have more personality than either of the male love interests (seriously, Edward and Jacob look like Oscar-caliber character writing by comparison). It is a slog in every sense of the word, a 2 hour test of endurance that essentially boils down to Saoirse Ronan having Navi from Ocarina of Time stuck in her head while she sits around in a cave doing nothing, while even more nothing happens out in a world nearly overrun by alien parasites. The sci-fi concept itself is actually pretty interesting on paper, but the film makes it clear that it's just a backdrop and little more, instead focusing on a cast of "characters" where even calling any of them one-dimensional sounds like a stretch. It is a film namely defined by loooong stretches of jack s*** happening, and what little action or story that even occurs in the movie is so pathetic and brief that it tends to just blend in with the rest of the dull ache to my balls that is The Host. Even the eye-rolling copout bulls*** that is the movie's resolution isn't enough to incite any emotional rage towards, namely because I was too busy being grateful that I could still feel such things.

All Host and no play makes Jack a dull boy...

If you need any sense of perspective as to just how putrid a slog The Host is, I watched After Earth later that night. And I shit you not, this movie made After Earth felt positively watchable by comparison.
Let me reiterate: The Host made an M. Night Shyamalan movie look watchable by comparison. If that doesn't put it in close contention for worst movie of the year, then I don't know what does.

#1: A Good Day to Die Hard

There are many, many reasons I hated A Good Day to Die Hard: the lazy writing, the hackish and incompetent direction, the uninspired and repetitive action scenes (shot with fast-cut shaky-cam for no reason other than director John Moore trying to say "THIS IS EXCITING, RIGHT?"), the mean-spirited pissant that is McClane's son, how utterly apparent Bruce Willis' complete disinterest in making this movie is, the unforgivably dull and nowhere-near-as-clever-as-it-thinks-it-is plot, the completely uninteresting (and in the case of the #2 villain for most of the movie, obnoxiously moronic) villains...
You know what? I'll save you time. I'll sum up every paragraph I could write on this abominable excuse for a sequel (a sequel to an action movie classic like Die Hard, no less) thusly:
F*** this movie.
Fuck this movie.
Fuck. This. Movie.
FUCK this movie.
FUCK THIS MOVIE.
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS MOVIE.

So yeah, I kinda hated it.


What were your worst movies for the past year? Let me know below, and thanks for reading!
(Oh, and sorry for ranting so long about Turbo. I guess I had some stuff to get off my chest there...)

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Review: Second Verse, (More or Less) Same as the First

By Andrew Briad

Directed by Peter Jackson
Starring: Martin Freeman, Ian McKellen, Richard Armitage, Benedict Cumberbatch, Lee Pace, Evangeline Lily, Luke Evans, Orlando Bloom
Release Date: December 13, 2013
Presented in 2D, 3D, High Frame Rate 3D, and IMAX 3D




The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey greeted us last December to very high, albeit in retrospect rather unreasonable, expectations. It was director Peter Jackson returning to the Tolkien lore that made him a household name in the film world, directing the first of an epic multi-movie adaptation of a book that in and of itself was a revered literary classic, regardless of its Lord of the Rings connections. The first full trailer came out an entire year before its release, and spun a huge frenzy of hype among many fans. While many were relatively pleased with it, the overall response to An Unexpected Journey would be best described as lukewarm- no one really seemed to hate it or anything, but a fair number of people were left feeling disappointed.
While some of these reasons weren't exactly invalid (that it was too long, that the pacing was fairly slow, that The Hobbit didn't need to be made into three movies), some of these complaints do seem somewhat misguided by expectations. Namely, is it a problem that the film isn't enough like The Lord of the Rings trilogy, that it's smaller in scale as a story, that it's often sillier and more comic? To these complaints I respond with a resounding no. While the connections to Lord of the Rings are certainly there (and the filmmakers seem intent on cramming in a bunch more of them), The Hobbit is not LotR. This is namely due to the nature of the story itself, a fairly simple (for Tolkien) fantasy adventure written to appeal to children (whereas LotR was written with an older audience in mind). As a result the tone of The Hobbit also differs in some ways. The visual aesthetic of the films, shot digitally with a very clean, bright appearance (coupled with a deluge of first-rate CG effects from Weta Digital) is fitting for a lighter, less complex adventure tale (simply replicating how the darker, grittier Rings films looked would have been a mistake- though a few more practical effects wouldn't have hurt). Whereas the somewhat more cartoonish and over-the-top physics of many action scenes would feel out of place in much of the Rings trilogy, they play better in The Hobbit's more generally jovial, adventurous context of old-school fantasy. The stakes and drama are certainly there, but the fun lighthearted elements get to be more pronounced. The early scenes of An Unexpected Journey should have tipped enough people off to this right away (Bilbo's first conversation with Gandalf, the party with the dwarves, the songs), and while things get a bit more serious in our second installment, The Desolation of Smaug, that more lighthearted sense of fantasy fun still largely remains.

"No, no no! Singing elves are that side. This side is the dancing elves!"

So, where were we? Resuming right where An Unexpected Journey left off, Desolation of Smaug finds Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) continuing his quest with Thorin Oakenshield (Richard Armitage) and his band of dwarves to retrieve the Arkenstone from the Lonely Mountain, guarded by the greedy, powerful dragon Smaug. With the Arkenstone Thorin will reclaim his birthright as king and unite the Dwarves, which the orc party of Azog the Defiler (yes that's his real title) is intent on stopping. In this installment Bilbo and the dwarves encounter Giant Spiders, are held captive in the kingdom of the Wood Elves led by Tharanduil (Lee Pace), make a daring escape through barrels down a river (in a particularly fun action sequence replete with 3D arrows, decapitated orcs, and weirdly-inserted handheld camera shots), and encounter Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans), who smuggles them into his home of Laketown. Thorin is perhaps somewhat too eager to reclaim his homeland, as his quest for redemption begins to consume him. Meanwhile Bard debates the destruction that his actions may bring in their wake, concerned for the safety of the citizens of the nearby Laketown. This all leads to the dwarves finally reaching the Lonely Mountain, where Bilbo must steal the Arkenstone from the dreaded Smaug...

The barrel escape is one of several great action sequences in DoS (and a shoo-in for which part of the movie gets its own theme park ride).

Like the first Hobbit film, Desolation of Smaug expands on the story with materiel from Tolkien's  appendices, as well as completely new content just for the film. While all this expansion worked well enough for An Unexpected Journey, it proves a decidedly more mixed bag here. New material with the elves proves quite a bit of fun, reintroducing Legolas (Orlando Bloom) as a rather dickish elf prince with a lot of arrogance to shed off, as well as a crush on new character Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly), who despite her friendship does not seem to share these feelings. Her eye does fall towards the dwarf Kili (Aidan Turner), providing probably the biggest surprise in a series mostly lacking in them- a romantic subplot that, while not really necessary to the story, proves to be one of the more engaging parts of the movie. A dwarf/elf romance- who knew, right? (and yes, the shipper community is already having a field day with this one)

Tauriel proves a fun addition to the story, plus more ass-kicking women is always a good thing.

Meanwhile, anytime the film cuts to Gandalf's (Ian McKellen) subplot involving the Necromancer it seems to grind the movie's pacing to a screeching halt. In the original book this subplot was entirely absent, merely existing as an excuse for Gandalf to leave the action midway through the book (and thus give all the later Smaug action some actual stakes now that there isn't an all-powerful wizard fighting with them). The film pulls from the Middle-Earth appendices, actually showing this action as its own subplot, showing Sauron's growing presence. Unnecessary tie-ins to the original trilogy notwithstanding, this sounds like it has promise to expand on the story. Onscreen however it mostly amounts to Gandalf walking around the same ruins for a while, having a surprisingly unmemorable fight scene, and then seeing Sauron's eye before the movie decides to save the rest for the next installment. All it really ends up accomplishing is padding out the running time some more, distracting us from the main storyline with Bilbo and the dwarves in Laketown, where all the important events are actually happening. Your mileage may vary, but there's a reason why Tolkien left that stuff for the appendices.

Again, it's mostly just more wandering around like this.

But any faults like these are (mostly) offset by the film's stronger elements, and like An Unexpected Journey before it, there's one particular standout sequence that makes the film a must-see. In the previous film it was Biblo and Gollum's game of riddles, a much-welcome return appearance from Andy Serkis that feels not just remarkably faithful to the text (as if you were seeing it literally come to life before your eyes), but also best exemplifies that The Hobbit is its own story, with its own feel separate from Lord of the Rings. Unlike many moments where the films so far try to include connections and setup to the Rings trilogy, here is where The Hobbit just gets to be The Hobbit, a relatively simple and to-the-point fantasy adventure at its core.
If you somehow didn't guess already, the big standout sequence in Desolation of Smaug is Bilbo's introduction to our title dragon, played through motion capture by Freeman's Sherlock co-star Benedict Cumberbatch. Cumberbatch, who's had a big rise in fame throughout 2013 thanks to roles in Star Trek Into Darkness, 12 Years a Slave and his continuing run on BBC's Sherlock, absolutely nails the character even better than one could hope. His powerful, prideful voice coupled with the spectacular CG effects truly bring Smaug to life, the film making the most of his entrance with a deliciously suspenseful sneak through the dragon's mountains of gold. From there it captures much the same magic as the Gollum sequence from An Unexpected Journey, the classic story bursting from the pages as Jackson gets to do what he (and legions of Tolkien fans) really wanted to see from these movies. While much of the time spent watching Desolation of Smaug was a good deal of fun, this is where I found myself just grinning like an idiot throughout- all this buildup for nearly two movies now, and it delivers in spades. If you need just one reason to go see DoS, this is most definitely it.

Holmes and Watson, together again... er, sort of.

The reveal of Smaug leads into an exciting action sequence to close out the film, one that leads into an even bigger action sequence... that we don't get to see, because that's where the film cuts off at. I've mentioned cliffhangers briefly before on this blog, and in the rising trend of franchises and multi-part book adaptations they've become something that we'll have to learn to accept in the current movie age. I will make it perfectly clear right now that cliffhangers are not inherently a bad thing. In fact, there are many movies that have handled them effectively, and allowed the film to stand up fairly well on its own.
Having said that, the cliffhanger ending to Desolation of Smaug cuts out at without a doubt the most frustrating point possible. It leaves the film feeling like you just watched 2 1/2 hours of setup for another 2 1/2 hour movie due next December. Absolutely nothing ends up getting resolved (even the smaller-scale subplots), and the audience is left teased that they'll have to shell out money again next year for any of the actual payoff. At least when Catching Fire did its cliffhanger ending last month, it was just doing exactly what the book did, closing out the current story while leading into Mockingjay's big shift in focus (plus it had a great final plot twist to close out on). Hell, even the middle chapter of The Lord of the Rings trilogy managed to find a good endpoint, one that provided a satisfying feeling and capped off many plot elements for the time being. As a result, it felt more capable of standing up both as a film on its own terms and as part of a bigger trilogy. Just because you're the middle film in a series doesn't mean you can't find a solid end point to lead into your next movie, or even find a way for the film to stand up on its own. Considering how the first Hobbit film did find this kind of satisfying cutoff point, it makes the frustration with Smaug's shameless cliffhanger more palpable.

"What have we done?" What indeed, Bilbo.

Whew, sorry about that, I didn't mean to rant so long. I should clarify, before you get the wrong idea now: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is a very good movie. Definitely worth watching, especially if you're a fan of Jackson's Tolkien movies so far (though that should really go without saying). However, it's also the definition of a middle chapter: it provides all the setup, but by design lacks any true payoff. While it improves in some respects over An Unexpected Journey, it also falls greater victim to a few of that movie's faults, leaving a film that levels out to being more or less on par. We'll just have to wait until next year's There and Back Again to know for sure if all that promised payoff truly proves worth it. For now, I'm keeping myself busy imagining a spinoff where Smaug and Bilbo team up to solve mysteries across Middle-Earth.
Now that deserves three movies.

You know you want it to happen.

Final Score: 8/10

Pros:
+ Many great action sequences, aided by first-rate visual effects
+ Great cast, as always (both series veterans and newcomers)
+ Retains the sense of classical fantasy established in the first Hobbit
+Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug. 'Nuff said.
+Some of the new additions (Tauriel and Legolas) turn out quite well...
Cons:
- ...While others just seem to drag things down (Gandalf's whole Necromancer sidequest)
- The story struggles to keep a steady, consistent pace
- A few story beats fall flat in a feature film context
- A frustrating cliffhanger ending that keeps the film firmly rooted in "middle chapter" territory

A Nerfherder's Guide: Finding the Right Holiday Movie/TV Special for You!

By Andrew Braid

Happy holidays, everyone! And speaking of holidays, what better way to celebrate them than by watching some great holiday movies and TV specials? (Because pfft, it's not like the season's about family or anything)
But maybe you're having trouble deciding what to watch this year, or you want to try something new, or you don't even know what you're looking for. And there's my cue to offer assistance to those in need! So sit back and read on as we look through what you might want to be watching this holiday season!
So let's see...

If you want a good old classic animated special: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Probably my personal favorite out of all the old 60s animated Christmas specials (I was a huge Peanuts fan as a kid), it's a bona-fide classic, namely because it takes real risks. The special openly questions and critiques the commercialization of the holiday (entirely through the perspectives of children, no less). The voice actors were all real kids (all pretty much completely inexperienced with acting), lending the dialogue and singing a raw, honest and believable quality that allows the special to connect with viewers in a manner that's never really been replicated since. And of course, there's the famous (or infamous, take your pick) Linus speech, regarding "what Christmas is all about". I mean, what other special would have the balls to include a scene like that at all? (according to behind-the-scenes stories, apparently no one)
Then again...

If you want a good old classic animated special, but without all that quoted-verbatim religious text, or any direct religious connotations for that matter: How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

Come on, I kinda had to use this pic.

 Probably the best-known and revered holiday special ever, competing with Rudolph and Charlie Brown for the title (honestly, why does it seem like the 1960s produced all the best stuff?). Everything about it is just indisputably classic, and it helps that's it's a pitch-perfect adaptation of the original Dr. Seuss book (but now with songs!). So this is basically just an extra reminder to watch it again, in case you've forgotten to.
Though try to avoid any TV airings, since they often seem to cut stuff out to fit in more commercials, and that's just not the right way to treat any film, let alone a classic like this.

If you want a movie that reminds you of a simpler time, when you still loved Jim Carrey: How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (2000)

The 2000 live-action Grinch is one of those special kinds of movies where you love it as a kid, you grow up with it, you realize that it really isn't a good movie for more than a few reasons, but damn it you can't help yourself from watching it every year anyway. I mean come on, can't I have this one guilty pleasure thing before Hollywood makes another version and really does ruin it?

Pictured: The J.J. Abrams reboot.

On second thought, I kind of want to watch that version...

If you love celebrating the holidays with child neglect and sadistic (yet still family-friendly) violence: Home Alone

Is it just me, or is this image just tailor-made for a caption contest? Feel free to post any, BTW.

Seeing how it plays nonstop on TV around this time, it's fair to expect that you'll end up re-watching this one over the holidays (if you haven't already). So I think you'll forgive me for the lack of details here.
However, it must be said: god dammit that ending is the most emotionally manipulative thing ever put to film...
...and I totally still cried when I last watched it.

If you want a Christmas-set horror movie, but then realized that those all tend to suck, so screw it: Gremlins

Because it's just not Christmas without this scene:

If you love comic books/superheroes: Justice League, "Comfort and Joy"

Truly, Santa Flash is the best Santa. I mean, you can't even tell who it is!

While "Christmas with the Joker" and "Holiday Knights" are both great Batman: TAS episodes for providing your Holiday/DCAU fix, the best one is Justice League's "Comfort and Joy", where we see the League members get some much-needed downtime (and personal time, in John Stewart and Hawkgirl's case). You know it's a good episode when Batman and Wonder Woman never even show up, and you honestly don't care.
Speaking of Batman...

If you love comic books/superheroes, but also like your Christmas movies dark and weird: Batman Returns (1992)

Selina Kyle, all prepared for Black Friday sales.

It's a Christmas movie with Batman! How could you not love that? You know, aside from the creepy (and pretty pervy) nose-biting Danny DeVito, plot elements that don't really make sense the more you stop to think about them, truly bizarre action scenes (need I remind you the climax involves rocket-equipped penguins?), and just generally being the least kid-friendly Batman movie ever (well, until The Dark Knight anyway).
Yeah, it's an undeniably flawed movie, and yet I still find myself to be one of those people who honestly likes it more than the original '89 Batman. With the first one Burton had some restrictions to work with, namely that he had to make it a Batman movie first and foremost. This one is where we got to see what a Tim Burton movie about Batman would really be like (and I'm talking early 90s Tim Burton, and not lazy, tapped-out present day Tim Burton).
And man was it weird.

Truly, truly weird.

If you love comic books/superheroes, and need your Shane Black fix: Iron Man 3

Not quite what I had in mind for a "quiet Christmas alone"...

Recent, yes, I know, but you know what? If it's an excuse to re-watch the best in the Iron Man series, I'll take it.
And if you're still not convinced that you can consider it a Christmas-appropriate movie (despite it being set all around Christmas, because Shane Black), then just pretend that Ben Kingsley's Mandarin turned out to be Santa the whole time.
Okay, I REALLY want to see that movie now...

If you really need your Shane Black fix: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Because A) It's a brilliantly funny film noir/comedy,
and B) This is when Shane Black discovered that he could only make good movies if he shoved Christmas into the background somehow.

Michelle Monaghan in a sexy Santa outfit = It counts!

Okay seriously, you STILL haven't gotten your Shane Black fix? Fine, here: Lethal Weapon

I mean jeez, I think you've had enough.

Obligatory mention of Nightmare Before Christmas required by anyone under 30: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Because it's kind of just a given that everyone watches this one any chance they get (myself included).

If you want to watch a recent holiday special that proves such things can still be good:  Prep & Landing

 

Yet another sign that Disney Animation has gotten its groove back, this 2009 Emmy-winning TV special (executive produced by Pixar's John Lasseter) takes a fresh twist on the whole Santa idea, where elves have a special job of coming to houses early to prepare things for St. Nick's arrival (this is how he gets in and out of each house so fast). This usually involves Christmas-themed spy gear and a fully functioning command center back at the North Pole. But really the special is a mid-life crisis story about a veteran of the prep & landing elves who becomes dissatisfied after decades of doing the job, and who must rediscover his inspiration as to why he does what he does. It has all the Disney humor and heart you've grown to expect, mixed with a more adult-skewering story that prevents the special from ever falling deep into cloyingly cutesy territory. Still growing in popularity (and for good reason), this is one to add to your yearly tradition of rotating holiday specials if you haven't already.
Oh, and watch the sequel special too (Prep & Landing: Naughty vs. Nice), it's just as good.

If you want to watch a recent holiday special spinoff that's actually kinda underrated: Kung Fu Panda Holiday

 

Come on, give it a chance! Your skepticism is making the panda sad.

While a lot of this special's success comes from its genuine continuity within the film series (taking place in between the first and second movies), it's really just a quality family and holiday-themed story at its core. Kind of predictable, yes, but the execution is very much in keeping with the humor and heart many of us are familiar with from Kung Fu Panda. Having the whole voice cast from the movies and excellent animation quality that looks near-indistinguishable from said movies certainly helps too (seriously, how much did DreamWorks spend on this thing?)
As a big fan of the Kung Fu Panda movies I was pretty skeptical going into this holiday special when it first aired back in 2010, concerned that it might just be a hollow cash grab coasting on the brand name. Since then I've made a point of watching it every year. It honestly is that good, especially if you're a fan of the series.

If you're a Whedonite who absolutely, desperately needs something, anything by Joss Whedon to help celebrate their festivities: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, "Amends"

Because what better way to celebrate Christm- er, the holidays (Willow is Jewish, after all) than with an episode about the First Evil, Buffy's erotic nightmares, and Angel wanting to commit suicide?
In all seriousness though, this is yet another excellent episode from Buffy's third (and best) season, written and directed by Joss Whedon himself (so you know it's great!). The final minutes in particular are among the best moments of the entire series, with Angel and Buffy's tearful, angry and frustrated feelings giving way to a truly affecting, life-affirming conclusion.

If you need to watch the best version possible of A Christmas Carol: The Muppet Christmas Carol

Think of it this way:
A version of A Christmas Carol with The Muppets would be amazing.
A version of A Christmas Carol starring Michael freakin' Caine as Ebenezer Scrooge would be amazing.
This movie has BOTH of those amazing things.
Do the math.

If you need to watch the best version possible of A Christmas Carol, but you're also really crunched for time: Mickey's Christmas Carol

While admittedly cut a bit short of its potential by having to fit into a half-hour running time, Disney still nonetheless knocked this one out of the park. Making the most of its various Disney characters, it also nails many of the story elements, from the early introduction scenes with Scrooge to the dinner at Bob Cratchit's home. It even gives one of the darkest depictions of the "Christmas Yet to Come" sequence I've ever seen (though if you know your Disney, it's actually not all that surprising). While it still tends to get TV airings every year, I think it could still use some more attention and recognition than it currently gets, so definitely check it out if you never have.

If you want a Christmas-themed romantic comedy (comfort food edition): The Holiday

Is The Holiday actually a good movie? Well, uh... let me get back to you on that.
But is The Holiday pretty much the definition of a "comfort food" movie? Definitely, and then some.
In case you don't know the term, a "comfort food" movie is, well, a movie like The Holiday: it's light and fluffy, pleasantly sweet, and features a bunch of likable actors (Kate Winslet is way better than this movie probably deserves, but man does she commit to it). It's also kind of self-indulgent (seriously, who makes a romantic comedy that's 136 minutes long?!), and doesn't demand much thinking on your part (yet still isn't all that stupid). Throw in some extra pinch of whatever quasi-piece of intelligence that the movie can show to mildly impress you (in this case the whole old screenwriter plotline that allows the movie to point out movie tropes and cliches whenever it feels up to it), and you're all set!

If you want a Christmas-themed romantic comedy (ultimate special guest-star edition): Love Actually

Who knew Rick Grimes was such a romantic?

Set around the weeks leading up to Christmas, Love Actually follows so many different storylines involving major British actors that it feels like it really does live up to its promise of being "the ultimate romantic comedy". There's a love story with British Prime Minister Hugh Grant, we have Liam Neeson moving on after the death of his wife while his kid son has his first crush, there's the above secret love that Andrew Lincoln has for Kiera Knightley (then again, who doesn't?), and we have Colin Firth as a struggling writer who falls in love with his Portugese housekeeper. There's even a plot where Martin Freeman plays a porn actor (yes, this happens) who tries to ask out his co-worker on a date... while she's- well, you know (yes, this also happens). This is the movie that boldly proclaims: why pick one rom-com plot/scenario when you can have ALL of them? I mean I'm pretty sure I only listed about half of this movie's plotlines just now anyway...
Plus, Bill Nighy. Just... Bill Nighy.

Bill Nighy says: "Be awesome like me, and go see this movie".

And finally...

The Best Christmas Movie Ever: Die Hard

Well come on, it's just common knowledge at this point.


And that's the end! Thanks for reading, and happy holidays to all!

Anime Top 10s: (My) Top 10 Best Anime Intros

By Andrew Braid

Over the years anime has risen in prominence outside of Japan, a style of animation so ubiquitous that it has become recognized as a whole medium in and of itself outside of animation as a whole. Think about that: we herd hand-drawn, stop-motion and computer animation all together into one group, and yet anime gets to be an exception because its various tropes and characteristics are just so well-known. It seems so specifically tied to Japanese culture in ways that animation studios in other countries just don't really tend to do. If an animated film or series comes from the U.S. or Canada or France (or any country, really), there isn't some certified guarantee that it will specifically take after the given country's house style. Shows like Avatar: The Last Airbender and Teen Titans have heavily lifted from Japanese anime for their art styles, and recent box-office smash Despicable Me 2 is based in a decidedly more French-European style in both visuals and humor (no wonder it grossed so much overseas). But if it's an animated series or film made in Japan, no one ever thinks twice: it just has to be anime.
But I'm getting waaaaay ahead of myself here, so any musings on animation history will have to wait for some other day. What I really wanted to talk about is the art of the anime intro (or opening, or whatever you want to call it). Whereas such cool, memorable intros are in danger of being phased out entirely among most Western animated series, they remain an integral part of selling an audience on any anime they see. Anime just isn't anime without one, be it funny, action-packed, moody, or blasting out high-pitched J-pop while you struggle to make sense of what the hell you're watching. So I thought it would be fun to see, from the perspective of a 20-something Canadian, what stand out as the best in a large field of 90-second introductions to all our favorite anime series. 
To be clear once again, these are all personal favorites (although the top 2 are indisputably great).If your favorite isn't on here, either I haven't seen it (most likely) or I didn't really consider it. Okay? Okay.
Well, no more delays! Let's get these Top 10 Anime Intros started with...

#10: Baccano!

We start off our list with... an anime I've been meaning to get around to watching for forever, but still haven't actually seen! (Don't you just love those?) On the plus side, the buzz I've heard about Baccano! (Lost-style plotting mixed with bloody violence and raucous action) got me to check out its killer intro, which does its main job all too well: making me feel even more guilty that I haven't started watching it yet...

#9: Trigun

When all else fails to make your show look cool as hell, there's always electric guitar rock. Trigun is one of the true anime greats, and just from its intro you can see why it'd become so popular. It's an opening that makes Trigun look as genuinely badass as it possibly can, which will make it all the more surprising once you see the show is a lot like this:



And then surprise you all over again when the show eventually becomes more like this:



Yeah, anime can be a bit weird sometimes.

#8: Persona 4: The Animation (2nd Opening)

 So yeah, I've become a big fan of Persona 4, though I never got to play it on its initial release and had to wait before I could get a Vita and play P4 Golden. Having already decided to get Persona 4 Arena, I actually decided to catch up on the story by watching the anime series first. Not only was P4: The Animation a very good series in its own right (and a very faithful adaptation of the game), but the penchant for dangerously catchy music was also retained in its game-to-series translation. While the first intro for the series is good too, it's the second one that really gets the right balance between catchy J-rock beat and dynamic visuals.

#7: Beck: Mongolian Chop Squad

I WAS MADE TO HIT IN AMERICA...
Yeah, you can already tell I like this one, huh? It's pretty rare to see an anime (especially an anime intro) based so heavily around American culture and imagery, and that influence is a major part of what makes Beck feel unique (and not just among slice-of-life shows). Just watching the show (which you should do, especially if you're a huge music buff) will show you just how it stands out. This is a show where many of the characters will speak both Japanese and (often hilariously) English, where 20th century American music history is discussed and referenced on a frequent basis, and I'm honestly struggling to remember if there really were any songs sung in the whole show that weren't in English, 'cause it sure doesn't feel like there were. Also there was a cockatoo, I think? There was some subplot about getting it to respond to the music somehow, I forget the specifics...

And seriously, what is up with that dog?

What was I talking about again? Oh well.
I WAS MADE TO HIT IN AMERICA...

#6: Samurai Champloo

This one took a little time to grow on me. I'll admit I'm far from the biggest fan of rap, though I'm certainly not the kind to dismiss the whole genre- I usually just have different preferences (that are still to be determined- yeah, music is a thing that falls more into the "and more" part of my blog description). What I'm saying is a good song is a good song, regardless of genre, just like a good piece made in any other artistic medium. It takes a few episodes of Samurai Champloo to realize just how good its intro really is, and how perfectly it embodies the show's anachronistic sensibility, mixing many facets of modern American culture into its Edo-period Japan setting.

Pictured: Anachronism, in its natural habitat.

The song, "Battlecry" (performed by Nujabes and Shing02), is also very representative of the cultural wars that are often thrust into the limelight throughout the series, with newer rebellious counterculture styles and ideologies clashing with more traditional elements (hence the mix of more classical piano in the song). It sets the tone for the viewing experience: this ain't the stuffy old history you may know.

#5: Pokemon (1st English Opening)

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry...
I just couldn't help it, okay?! The nostalgia... it's just too strong!
And really, how could it not be? For most kids in the 90s generation, Pokemon was probably their very first anime, and I'm positive it was mine too (with Dragon Ball Z being the second, cooler one that we all watched afterwards). And as much as we all realize growing up just how shamelessly formulaic and repetitive the series really is (just how many times is enough for Team Rocket to try and steal the same damn Pikachu?), absolutely everyone who watched it back then still remembers that theme song, that opening that got us pumped for adventures with Ash, Misty and Brock (because Tracy who?) every time we so much as heard it, let alone saw it.
Admit it, you're singing along to it right now, aren't you? Don't be embarrassed, you're not alone...

#4: Death Note (1st Intro)

Once again this choice is driven at least partly by nostalgia (hey, the title does mention that it's my personal list... barely), but hey, Death Note, so a lot of you reading probably aren't complaining.
Death Note was an anime that came to me at exactly the right time, as I was in the midst of my high school years, growing tired with many of the seemingly never ending anime series that were also the only ones actually getting aired on the more major TV networks. And yet here comes Death Note, a show that seemed to have it all: a unique premise, a crazy twist-riddled plot that's always shaking things up, characters that don't have to be likable (and in Light's case absolutely isn't) but still manage to be engaging, great animation, and a fantastic score. On top of it, the show is both mature and over-the-top, managing some kind of near-magic equilibrium where one doesn't seriously outdo the other. The opening itself reflects the tone just right, displaying both the grounded detective elements and the Kira/L battle, elevated to just the kinds of mythic status one would expect Light's mind to jump to. Again, personal nostalgic choice, but I can't deny I still love this intro, getting me pumped to see who one-ups who (and then how that person one-ups the other back) each week.

I feel like I must give a good, honorable mention to the series' second opening. Not because I particularly love it or anything (though it has its moments, and I totally get why others might prefer it), but rather because it proves so memorable for its sheer bats*** insanity. I... I'm not even sure how to describe it adequately. There's so much that doesn't work about it, be it the tonal dissonance from what the show actually is (a cat-and-mouse detective thriller with a supernatural twist), to the grab bag of interchanging visual styles, to the music that pounds you over the head in ways that will make most heavy metal haters suffer a splitting headache (sorry, had to do that reference sometime). And yet there's still something admirable, almost transfixing about how it simply does not give a f*** whether or not you understand or even comprehend it.
Probably for the best if you just watch it and judge for yourself.

So... moving on...

#3: Fullmetal Alchemist (2nd Opening)

Fullmetal Alchemist undoubtedly ranks as one of the most popular, beloved, and widely recommended anime series ever made, be it the original 51 episode series or the more recent remake series Brotherhood (which is seen as a more faithful adaptation of the manga series). While I haven't seen Brotherhood (which is the main reason why it's not one of the many intros for that series on this list), I can definitely attest to how the original series more than lives up to its reputation. The original series has 4 different openings, each of them good in their own right, but my soft spot is for the second one, namely because it best sells the more adventurous and comedic elements of the series (which was more what the series was at this point), yet still throwing some hints at the darker roads ahead. And once the series' later episodes really put the characters through the ringer, you'll find yourself looking back on those older days, lamenting how those more wide-eyed, black-and-white days of youthful innocence have passed our heroes by (not that things weren't ever dark in the earlier episodes either- good God, "Night of the Chimera's Cry"...).

#2: Neon Genesis Evangelion

Evangelion is that one anime series that is inescapable, that makes itself a must-see nowadays mainly through force of cultural will, because the diehard fans are numerous and very, very vocal. It can make one forget that, love it or hate it, it was truly groundbreaking when it was first released. The mecha genre was all but dead before it first aired, Shinji Ikari is basically the anime standard for the emo teenage lead by which all others are measured (not to mention how Rei's character template has been ripped off by too many shows to count), and the heavy emphasis on religious symbolism and complex psychology made it clear that this was anything but a simple show where giant robots fight giant monsters (though what we get of that is damn good). As it stands, it's a flawed yet fascinating and truly personal work (inspired by director Hideki Anno's real-life bout with depression) that did much for anime as a medium.
Plus it has giant mechs.

Pictured: (supposedly) why people watch this show.

Groundbreaking is also a term that applies to its famous opening titles, which essentially established a template that has inspired all future anime intros since. From the song that will (probably) never escape your head after hearing it to the action-packed, borderline-subliminal editing of the final third coming after the calmer, more emotional build preceding it, Evangelion's intro feels like everything you think of when you imagine an anime opening. In this case, there's a good reason for that. And no list of great anime openings can feel complete without it.
Plus it has giant mechs.

#1: Cowboy Bebop

Because really, what else could it be?
Do I really need to explain this choice? Do I?
*sigh* Fine...
Aside from being the greatest anime series ever (and you know it's true), an all-around masterpiece of a 26-episode series, and something something *insert effusively hyperbolic words of praise here*, Cowboy Bebop also has without a doubt the best anime intro sequence ever created. It's an excellent representation of what the series is: an all-out genre mashup oozing with enough style and cool to spare for about four other shows. The theme song "Tank!" signals the viewer immediately to its more Western-based cultural influence, all while providing the perfect upbeat anthem to get the viewer ready to watch the latest episode of Firefly: The Anime, Only Better! (and oh man did I just piss off a huge portion of the internet). It's the definition of a show where you never even think to skip over the intro, no matter what the reason.
And I should probably stop here, because even I'm starting to get tired of myself endlessly frothing at the mouth over Cowboy Bebop.

Spike Spiegel: waiting for this list to be over already... and still looking way too cool doing it.

Thanks for reading, everyone! If there's any sloppiness on my part in this one, then it's because I'm still recovering from an onslaught of essay assignments, and the time and concentration for blog posts has been hard to come by. So yeah, sorry about that.
Regardless, make sure to check in again soon!